Love Elevated
 
By John Saltas
Salt Lake City Weekly
 
They’ve been pretty silent, but I can’t imagine that the LDS Church is all too pleased with HBO’s new show Big Love. While the first episode displayed an official LDS Church statement disclaiming polygamy as a lifestyle, throughout Big Love are numerous references—both visual and spoken—to modern LDS culture, if not teachings. With every romp in the sack and with every crack about missionaries or Joseph Smith, the goodwill of Utah and the LDS Church is diminished. On the other hand, The Sopranos didn’t exactly kill the tourist trade in New Jersey, so keep your slimy mitts off of my newest financial enterprise: tours of celebrity polygamist homes.

I could start the tour at the pioneer homesteads of my own polygamist great-great-grandfather Matthew Caldwell, in American Fork, Spanish Fork and Dry Fork. I guess he had a thing for forks. If not for polygamy, I wouldn’t be here writing this gibberish—I’m descended from his fifth and final wife. Frankly, I’m happy he listened to his friend Brigham Young and added to his "quiver" despite his own aversions to polygamy. He did so because the Black Hawk Indian War left lots of widows and orphans. That’s the claim, at least. I’m also happy that as far as I know, polygamy is not a trait he passed on to his sons and daughters.

The way Paxton’s character behaves, though, maybe I’m missing out. Nah, I’m not, but that’s clearly the early tease of Big Love — that polygamy is one happy bedroom romp and the Easter Bunny leaves behind copious amounts of Viagra, not chocolate eggs. We’ll see how Big Love tackles the damning sides of certain polygamists’ lifestyles. In episode 3, replete with suggestions of incest balanced against the Libertarian plea that on the same grounds adults enter homosexual relationships, adults should also be allowed polygamist relationships, Big Love begins to surf where few programs have gone before.

Utah will be left with another black eye, or Utah, its churches and leaders, can step up and actually do something about it. It looks nice to outsiders for us to toss a Tom Green in jail every once in awhile, but that’s just for show. As it is, Utahns just snigger, because, after all, the LDS doctrine that forbade polygamy in the here and now doesn’t apply to polygamy in the hereafter. Ecclesiastical expediency and Utah has its statehood to show for it. One of Paxton’s fathers-in-law, the Machiavellian Roman, said so much himself in last Sunday’s episode.

Most of us simply ignore polygamy. Live and let live; no harm, no foul; adults should be able to make adult choices. Then some practitioner starts slapping around his 14-year-old niece/bride and not even grandiose deniers like former Gov. Mike Leavitt can look away straight faced. So, there are trials with lots of video of grieving women and distraught children. There’s an equal amount of video showing the indignation of women and children who have left polygamy.

But, before you can say, Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof and The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized, and no citizen shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation, the bad guy is back out of jail and serving ice cream at the family reunion.

Polygamy is a sticky wicket for Utah’s politicians. Both the left and the right find cause to defend it constitutionally, if not religiously. However, rights to privacy, religion and property are eroding. Witness the seemingly diverse political debate over the USA Patriot Act and smoking bans in private clubs. With both, lawmakers have sided against George Mason, the "Father of the Bill of Rights," in favor of George Costanza, the "Father of Screwups." Don’t be fooled—if a smoker can’t smoke in a "private" club, and if a polygamist can’t practice "religion" on his own "property" and if the government can watch all of it then, pray tell, what’s next? An NRA member banned from shooting his gun at his private club on private property, perhaps? Yes, even if that club worshipped the almighty Remington.

A full-page ad thanking Utah’s "leaders" for making Utah 100-percent smoke-free ran in Monday’s Salt Lake Tribune. Thanks for what? The ad said a "loophole" that allowed smoking in clubs had been closed thanks to Senate Bill 19, that protects us all from inhaling secondhand smoke. Like hell it does. That "loophole" is our Constitution and current state law. That Utah’s "leaders" are too bound by ignorance and religious bias to do the right thing is hardly cause for recognition. Utah’s Clean Air Act already prohibits smoking in public places—get rid of private clubs and they all become public, hence a nonsmoking Utah. The proper solution was already there, yet our "leaders" chose a path that may ultimately have undesired consequences.

In the case of polygamy, those "leaders" are doing squat about it—they’d be banning or denying their own heritage. If anyone really wanted to ban polygamy in Utah, all they need to do is produce a photo of a polygamist sucking on a Marlboro. Until then, young boys and girls all over Utah will remain safe from intrusion from our "leaders" and Big Love will just get bigger.

Send Private Eye comments to john@slweekly.com.
 
SLWeekly.com
Originally published March 30, 2006
 
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